Every Angel Is Terrifying

Tez wrote her most-read essay in one sitting, driven by anger. During lockdown she wrote her essay on the West in one go, looking out her window, angry at the mediocrity she saw. It opens with 'the West is dying and we are killing her' and calls the American dream 'mass packaged mediocrity porn.'

She did not hunt for synonyms or polish, and she writes without a thesaurus. Her view: "if you can get to that point where you care so much, the writing comes very naturally."

How I Write▶ 44:46

She chose not to soften the angry draft, keeping it authentic. On rereading she thought she should tone it down, then left it as her heart wanted it. She wants readers to finish it unable to think she does not mean it.

She sees over-professionalizing to fit the Overton window as what strips out emotion: "people love authenticity." She says she would rather oscillate than plateau.

How I Write▶ 46:36

Goal-free research led her to an argument few had examined. She set out only to read the New Testament, then asked which copy is oldest, then how it was discovered. That chain produced about 80 pages on the Codex Sinaiticus.

She contrasts this with PhD research, which demands a niche question inside an existing paradigm. "it's just so fun to go in and not have a goal, right?"

How I Write▶ 24:03

Going to primary sources turned a fishy story into a thesis. The popular account says Tischendorf found monks at Mount Sinai burning the manuscript as fuel. Tez noted it was costly parchment and that heretical texts are usually buried, so she read the primary sources and now argues it was probably doctored in the 19th century.

She doubts the fourth-century date, suspects Tischendorf wanted glory, and says this does not refute Christianity. The trail led her to Daniel Wallace, who runs the Center for the Study of New Testament Manuscripts.

How I Write▶ 24:19

She spends hours daily just thinking, leaving space for ideas. Tez thinks lying in bed or walking up to eight miles in the morning, trying to leave a vacuum where scattered thoughts can connect. When she asked friends how long they spend thinking each day, they said they are always doing something.

"You can't necessarily think yourself into the answers. You have to create space for the answers to come to you."

How I Write▶ 30:31

She lets obsessive research phases come in cycles, not daily quotas. She goes through phases of notes on the wall and sleepless nights at her desk, then the energy fades. Her pathogen essay came from about six months of thinking only about pathogens.

She used to force it when younger. At 34 she will not try to write every day because it does not work for her: "let it just happen when it happens."

How I Write▶ 26:25

Her prose aims to build a mood rather than argue a case. Tez compares the writing she likes to pointillism: dots that look like nonsense up close and form a scene from a distance. It is more poetic than logical and does not move everyone.

Her model is Rilke, who finds the ecstasy of everything in a door, a chair or a flower. "it's much more like a word painting than it is like a argument."

How I Write▶ 38:52

She uses painting and handwriting to change how she thinks. She took an oil painting course, though she says she can't paint, hoping a different medium would affect her writing. She also wants a good fountain pen, since typing divorces her from the formality of her thoughts and deletes mistakes worth keeping.

She wrote only with a fountain pen at school from age four to 18. "When you're typing, the mistakes, delete, delete, delete, and so you lose the mistakes."

How I Write▶ 38:19

Reading very old texts gives her the humility that finds her voice. Schooled in Latin and Greek, she reads Homer, Euripides, the Aeneid, Shakespeare and the Bible, which show people have always had the same questions. Six months of daily Bible study with two study Bibles changed her more than any other learning habit.

She argues intellectuals are embarrassed not to have read Plato or Kant but proud not to have read the Bible. "in that humility, I find my voice"

How I Write▶ 1:23:14

Memorizing and rereading reveal a text's structure and subtlety. A friend in her Bible study, Jimmy, memorizes whole chapters and understands scripture better than anyone. Over months of repetition the structure and subtleties of a text reveal themselves.

She also rereads books that moved her, expecting lessons she missed before.

How I Write▶ 3:38

She cuts passive media and drops books she doesn't like. Tez has never watched Netflix, has seen about one of the 50 top-grossing films of the last decade, and left Twitter, her last news source, a year ago. She follows curiosity in reading and ignores bestseller lists and friends' recommendations.

The cost is missing cultural references; she got lost halfway through Barbie, which she watched to review. "I'd rather read the Odyssey a hundred times than watch Netflix."

How I Write▶ 14:35